My time in worship this morning was different than usual. I lost myself in conversations with the Lord about the future. Unlike most people I talk to God like I am walking in the Garden of Eden with him. Our conversations are like any other conversation with a best friend, a father, a teacher or a lover. Because he is all these things to me I feel quite at home when we talk reality.
I worship in different ways but I always end up so outside myself and in the presence of MY GOD telling him how wonderful and good he is. I remind him of all the love letters he has written to me and how each one reveals his love for me. Words can not express my gratitude for resurrecting me from the earth.
Scripture comes to mind: Take up your cross and follow me! A vision consumes me. I watch as I see the Savior showing me how to follow his example to lay down my flesh on the cross and let myself be crucified. But quickly my mind jumps to a vision of my Savior being beaten, bruised, his beard plucked, the crown of thorns being forced on his head, stripped down, flogged; whipped and his flesh being stripped away while the soldiers laughed and enjoyed every blow. My heart breaking knowing it is my sin that brought him here to this cruel earth. He was laying down his life for me… because he loved me. He knew me before I ever was, before creation. He saw my days on earth from beginning to end knowing I was sentenced to death before I even did anything wrong. Born into sin he desired to give me a chance to choose life. The thought that he desired for me to be his; to save me from the enemy of my soul. He was buying my freedom like a slave on the selling block. I am nothing important. I am not intelligent, beautiful, gifted or special in any way shape or form. I asked him why! Why would he want to buy me? What does he see that I can’t see? His words will always be with me… Because I love You, I created you for my delight. Who can resist those words. I am humbled to this day. I ask how can I delight you when I am who I am. You know my every word, every thought, every deed nothing is hidden from you and I am quite unable to change myself. I have tried and I have failed time and time again. His only words were let me show you the way.
It is from there he took me through the fire. He taught me how to crucify my flesh. It was painful dying day after day to what I was taught all my life. Nothing worth saving I let him apply the stripes upon my back and remove every ounce of flesh that remained corrupted by the world. Think not that he is being cruel and abusive. No, His stripes were kindness to me. Like a friend who corrects even though it hurts. The lies angered me more but not like the flesh is angry and lashes out at anyone within range, no! I learned it was a holy anger. I was so angry at the devil. So angry I launched warfare against him in a way I can not even begin to share. The more he came against me the more determined I was to show him he has no rights any longer to my life. I am bought and paid for and I am not going back… to believing a word he says any longer. I battle lies with knowing the truth, speaking that truth! It is a sacrifice of time and effort… an inner hard labor not seen with the natural eye. Every word was on purpose. Hours spent reading the Word, searching for the truth. Hours in worship to stop the deposit of anything dirty, negative or grievous to my soul. My focus was wholly on the love Jesus had for me. I keep my eye on that one thing as I feed my mind and my heart new food; spiritual food to heal the holes that kept leaking the love Jesus had for me. He continued to keep pouring love into me day after day. It took a heart transplant to stop the leaking heart. No Band-Aid fix could repair the damage to my heart. That day changed everything. I became a resurrected being. I mean a whole different person. It was like everything was suddenly wiped clean like amnesia… almost! I had memories but it was like it happened to someone else I use to know. They no longer kept me in bondage. The work continued as each battle taught me something new. The Word of God became real, living like a barrier, a wall, a hedge that was being built to protected me from thoughts, words and the flesh but also people the enemy used to tear me down, rip out my heart and put burdens on me to keep me from getting up and moving forward. I did not know how to act being so free without all the baggage! So I began dancing… in spite of my graceless nature.
I have to say and many will shun me or stop reading at this point but the greatest freedom came when I got the strength to break my covenant with the devil. Against all I was taught, I choose to listen to God rather than man . I got D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D ! Yeah you heard me. Christians are not suppose to get divorces! Well take that up with God, because he commanded me to do it! When God says, “Its enough” … It is ENOUGH! Everyone says God never tells some one to get a divorce! Well I beg to differ. Scriptures says “Put away your foreign wives”. Well I had a foreign husband. Spiritually dead and unable to be resurrected. No details included: but to say I know that I know that I know! When God answers prayer and confirms it 3 times… I learn not to over look it. I learn to be obedient.
So now, I am a free spirit being. My purpose is to delight my Savior. His Father is now my Father. His people my people, his family my family, his children my children. His work is now my work. I became a BRIDE. Not an easy task. I had to climb the latter or the MOUNTIAN so to speak. Ascending was not a walk in the garden. It was more like David fighting Goliath the whole way. You know what I mean… when everyone is against YOU; telling YOU that God can’t use you because hey… your divorced and God hates divorce! If I had a dollar for every time I heard that… well then God is even greater because I am more alive now than I was married. I was no use to God married but now I am a new creation and I am his beloved. I began as a slave but I excelled to a willing servant, to a friend and ultimately to a child of God and a Bride of Christ. My covenant with him is greater than any covenant with man. Man is so legalistic it is a stench in God’s nose. I desire to be a sweet fragrance to him. I want him to delight in me. I want him to call me to himself and worship him just to see him smile. That is my purpose… to worship him and allow him to fill this emptied out vessel all the time not just Sunday morning for 1 hour. God doesn’t live in a church building he lives in us… WAIT… he desires to live in us… most people just want him on the outside so when they need help he needs to jump when they call him. UH! I think we are to jump when he speaks not the other way around. He is not our servant, our genie in a bottle we only let out when we want him to do something… 911 emergency call or I want, I want, I want; me, me, me! Yeah… like My kids have that power over me! My kids learned when momma speaks don’t procrastinate and make her speak a second time! I live by this rule with my Savior and God. When he speaks I’m all ears, he always has something good to say. I learned all things are good when we learn to do things his way and see things his way. I live a life of peace and rest because I learned that anything he does is to teach, correct or reveal his glory… its usually all three… but sometimes I don’t understand it all until later. The hard part is trusting him when you don’t understand. I suppose that is why they call it FAITH. I turn to the Word and I can always find scripture to back up what he is saying. So my advice, encouragement and challenge to you is to take the plunge. Step out of the boat or get into the ARK! There is so much God wants to reveal to us face to face. He is eager to meet you where you are, take your hand and show you the way… you just have to willingly follow instead of being a back seat driver or dragging your feet. He forces no one to do anything not even love him. We get to choose! Life or death, heaven or hell, light or dark, truth or lie, good or evil… yes, its that simple.