I sit quietly in the dark.
Alone and longing for my beloved.
I dream of him day and night.
I wait patiently but I am stirred when I hear a song or walk in the garden.
The day he saved me.
The day he held me in his arms.
The day he told me he loves me.
The day I was set free from death.
I have no words… still today many years later… He still leaves me speechless. One day seems to continue into another and I never want it to end. He lights my fire just with his presence. He speaks and I am breathless. He is the reason I wake… to meet him with expectation and utter joy. I can hardly wait to hear what he might have to say. I hang on every word like a pearl of great price. I have come to enjoy his Word… when he reveals what is in me that hinders drawing nearer. Why? It tells me he wants me to draw nearer. How “awesome” are the emotions that well up within me to know he desires me to come… to know him more… to know his heart and to know his wisdom.
When he reveals the fear… what still hides in my heart… I fall to my knees to repent. I love him so… How can I not trust him? It is these “small” things… like not knowing what lies ahead. How will he provide for me today? How will he find me yet one more place to stay… again. He has become my home away from home. My home may be in heaven but while I dwell here on this plane… I need provision for my daily needs. Day to day I must trust him to feed me and give me a place to rest. I do not know why he has chosen me… to wonder about… never knowing where my next dwelling will be? Not knowing where I will find work or provision for my life. He teaches me to trust him completely.
What will I do today? Where shall I go to find rest for my soul. I have given up everything for him and still I find he reveals splinters in my heart ; specks in my eye. I hear him whisper time and time again…Do you trust me? I am broken… He sees what I can not. Yet he is patient with me. I am troubled not knowing why he asks me such a question. But as I meditate on the next meal, the next place to lay my head, the next bill that has to be paid… do I really trust him? Fear, worry, doubt… all resurrect their ugly head peeking out from the darkness to trouble my soul.
I have not been blessed with a “normal” job, a “normal” life, a “normal” religion! I have been called out to be “One of Those People” the world shakes their head at. I am “One of Those People” the world calls unstable, irreligious… a dreamer. If I am unstable it is because I have learned not to put my trust in man. If I am irreligious it is because I have learned My Beloved is not religious; He Just Is! If I am a dreamer it is because the Spirit of the Living God reveals himself to me in dreams and visions that rapture me up in the spirit realm that I do not desire to return to this “dead zone” called “life” which is no life at all!
I walk with him and talk with him day and night. Even in my sleep I wake myself…. hearing ME speak to HIM! I look around expecting him to be there… here! I am disappointed when I do not see him with my natural eyes… then I remember his words to me… “You will not always see me with you natural eyes; You will just know… I Am!” I shudder at his words! They keep me anchored in his truth, his presence. He will never leave me nor forsake me… unless… I choose to walk away from him! I choose not to meditate on these thoughts for they produce nothing good. I will keep my very thoughts seeking all that is good; all that is… He Who Loves Me! All things are good if I keep my heart in his hands. I trust him with my heart.
So the question remains…How can I not trust him? Only when I take my eyes off him and look at my circumstances… then I open the door for fear, worry or doubt to enter in and sneak a peek. If I remain unaware of their presence… being preoccupied by “LIFE”. They take the “offense” and invite friends to the party they are planning. I… still unaware but feeling something is amiss, continue in ignorance. When suddenly one small thing triggers a chain reaction that lands me flat on my face! I cry out and search for answers. Where did I go wrong? Again I hear that sweet whisper…Did You trust me? Perhaps he knows something I do not… where is this root? How deep does it go? It seems to be attached to everything I do.
It all comes back to the PAST! Set free… but… the mind sets; the learned behaviors have not been severed! Oh God, just cut the cord… that spiritual umbilical cord the keeps feeding the past into my present! It is not a life line but a death line that keeps dragging me back down into the darkness where I can not see. This needs to end… it needs to end today. This giant is more like an octopus rather than a six fingered; six toed heathen! It is an unseen enemy. Like walking into a spiders web that one panics the moment it touches the skin!
How do I battle the six and eight armed enemies when I only have two of each? I remember… His Word… If you keep my commands and obey my voice “I” will scatter your enemies in seven different directions! “I” will make even your enemies to be at peace with you. No weapon formed against you will prosper! No underserved curse will come to rest.
He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world. Again he encourages me to be bold and fearless… do not shrink back. Remember “whose” I am; whom do I belong! I am the victor… in He who died to give me the victory… when I stand in HIS authority not my own. Should I…. a child of the King be fearful of a peon? Should I… a Princess and Daughter of the King walk as though I am a slave to the wicked. We rule over the wicked! We have authority! The battle is won in the spirit realm not with the flesh!
So My fire is once again lit. It’s time to throw on the altar the fear, doubt and worry… they are not gifts… they are not good…. get rid of them now…. do not wait. I am full of a righteous anger that I once again allowed myself to sink into that “mental” trap… meditating on the “what if’s”! Time for war! I already have the victory knowing who and what the enemy is! I will not tolerate it any longer… it dies on the altar today!
I give praise to He who loves me and gives me the victory! All glory honor and praise to the King of kings and Lord of lords. I will worship you for you are worthy! You are who you say you are! You are not man that you would lie!