In the midst of life’s busyness, I felt my heart aching. I ignored it as I continued in my rush to get my errands finished up. I found though the ache continued to get worse as I stood searching for a specific item at the store. I happen to look around me as though I would see what was causing the discomfort in my heart. My sensitivity to my environment has multiplied 100 fold as I dwell more and more with my Beloved.
It took me captive though when the ache in my heart became physical. It’s that feeling that comes over me when I can’t breath naturally and I can feel the Holy Spirit tugging at me… dragging me away. Still I ignored it as I needed to find this 1 item before I could allow myself to leave. As I stood in line the ache became overwhelming and I suddenly felt the Holy Spirit overcome my whole being. I had to gasp and exhale so slowly I literally turned around to survey the area around me. I whispered under my breath… I know you are here what are you trying to say? At that moment I had to ask myself… did I say that out loud? My conversations with the Holy Spirit sound more like me talking to my invisible friend standing by my side. Thinking someone would think I am crazy I smiled to myself. I ask the Spirit… is there someone who needs prayer? Is there something going on in the spirit realm and you are protecting me? Is that why you were urging me to leave before I found what I was looking for? I felt convicted as I realized I was not heeding his voice. I repent… knowing I could have been in the midst of something very evil going on… unaware to me.
I quickly paid my bill and rushed out to my vehicle. I got in and the started the engine. I just stopped… I took a deep breath…What was that! I said out loud. As soon as I was out of the parking lot the pain left my heart and I turned up the worship music and sang my heart out to God. It was not until evening when the hustle and bustle of the day died down I went to my room and was listening to some new music. Wow, I felt the Holy Spirit pouring out of me fresh and anew. I could hardly be still. I began to dance and sing and make a fool of myself and as I did… it occurred to me… He missed me more than I missed him! I can not ever remember that happening before… I have always been aching for him more than I think he aches for me… but perhaps I miss understood my ache was actually his ache I only heeded it immediately. What was I doing that was more important that heeding his voice?
A necessary evil of life… shopping! I have become so accustomed to him taking me shopping and almost forcing me to be kind to myself, but this time… I was on a mission I had to find what I was looking for. The dread of going to another store compelled me to stay in the current place until I could find what I was seeking. I am glad this day is over… I can begin again. Though I repented a part of me feels like punishing myself for not being more obedient… submissive to the Holy Spirit who is always protecting me and teaching me a better way to live. I can not make up for the lost time. I can only make myself be more attentive and aware… not only of his presence but what he is seeking to do and say so quietly I can not hear unless I still myself and focus.
So what do I do now? Let go and just be! I come and give myself to worship, not the kind of worship in a church not the worship of just singing a song… but worship that pleases my Beloved, fellowship, communication, one on one time, listening to what he has to say and keeping eye contact with him as he speaks his heart. He brings me to tears as I hear his heart’s desire. I apologize for ignoring him and acting like Martha instead of Mary. I gave him no… if ands or buts about my to do list. I only wanted him to know I was sorry and I will try “not” to make the same mistake twice. So I begin to tell him just how much I love him and to tell him how much I love his presence and that he desires to talk with me about everything. I find myself singing my heart out to him and being raptured up in pure joy and delight. And there it is… I see him smile at me. That is what I love most… when he smiles at me… I become nothing and he is my everything. Nothing moves him more than for one to pour out love freely… effortlessly and passionately. He can not resist… and he joins me in the dance. He takes my breath away… in a good way! The sound of music that comes forth from a joyful heart is louder than a 1000 angels singing in the heavens. He hears my love from the deepest part of my soul. He delights in me and that pleases me. I can empty out all that is with in me and then fall at his feet completely undone… and there he is… again. He picks me up and holds me in his arms… carries me to the garden and gives me a drink from the River of Life. Who can resist him… who can tell him no? Not I. The sound of the music continues in my heart even though this flesh is to weak and powerless to endure the spirit realm too long.
Some times I just sit by his side and rest. Some times I fall asleep in his arms just basking in his presence and peace. Some times we lie back in the soft green grass and we talk. Then there are moments when I feel him lie beside me and he wraps his arms around me and some how… some way he revives me. Everything melts away and I let go of the world that had previously distracted me from him. As I close my eyes I whisper… I love you. I feel his kiss on my face and I smile. What perfect love he has for me. What longing he has for me to be with him. What mercy and grace he has for me in my selfishness and ignorance. But My Beloved… he loves me still. Oh how he loves me… How he loves me so…