Outside Myself

Where can I go. Where can I find peace…I close my eyes and let go of all that weighs me down. I am raptured away


The longer I linger in your presence the more I long to stay. Don’t make me go… don’t make me leave.  I can not… Breathe… without you. 

I have found my place, I have found my home, it is here with you.  What can you give me that could take your place? There is nothing I desire but to be with you.  You are the love of my life; the joy that overwhelms my soul.  What can you give me but to allow me to stay, stay by your side… stay face to face with my one and only beloved.

  I am not myself when I am not with you.  I can not go on without you.  You are the song in my heart.   You are the one I dream of through the day and the night… when I long for you… you are here with me.  All I need to do is close my eyes and I am raptured away into your presence.  It is there I am free from the limits of this fleshly prison that keeps me from you. 

I hear you whisper my name and my whole being is ignited with life.  My spirit leaps, my flesh dies, my soul released from its confines of this world.  I run to you; arms open wide and love overflowing, I leap in your arms and you catch me mid-air… yes, you meet me in the air and off we go together to the secret place where only you and I know the way. 

Outside myself I can be anything I desire. Still… all I want… is to be with you.  You can not persuade me with silver or gold, no diamonds or rubies,  no mansion not even fame or power could turn me from you.  What is it that compares to you?  

No… I do not seek a crown  of gold, nor streets of gold.  I do not seek a reward for anything I might do for you… I am glad you allowed me the privilege … the honor of being used for your glory and majesty. 

Outside myself I am limitless and I can do anything for you.  But what I desire most is to hear your voice, look into your eyes and feel the love pouring out of you and into me.  I close my eyes as my spirit is moved; inspired to dance… to just let go and let the spirit have its way with me. 

I will worship you in the song and dance.  I will worship you with my life; my whole heart; my whole mind… I will hide nothing from you… I am… an open door… you are welcome to come to me night or day. 

Who am I that you desire to speak with me.  I hunger for it.  I thirst for your wisdom that waters my soul like the spring rains water the garden.  Come… come into my garden.  Come and see the beauty that abounds within.  Come smell the sweetness of my praises for you.  Let it be a fragrance that intoxicates better than wine. 

I will worship you for you are mine and I am yours… I am not myself when I am not with you.  You are my sunshine, you are the breeze in the air.  You are the beautiful blue skies and all creation reveals who you are.  I will give thanks to you the one I love.  I will do anything to see that smile I know so well.  I love to hear you laugh from deep within.  I love when you answer my question with a question… Oh how it stirs me from within. 

Still … outside myself I can be anything but all I desire is to be your beloved.  I beg… I plea, don’t make me leave… don’t make me go away from your presence.  Again you remind me… You will never leave me nor forsake me… you will be with me for all eternity.  I breath… I close my eyes longing.  I lay my head upon your chest and I weep… Not for sorrow, not for loss… I weep that all would know how deep, how wide, how great is your love for us… How you long to love us… perfectly.

Why do we resist your love?  Why?  Outside myself I can be anything… but all I want is to be with you.  I beg… I plea, let me know you more.  Tell me your hearts desires.  Tell me of the wisdom you conceal from the world; hidden from the natural soul. 

I will sit at your feet and hang on every word you speak.  Your voice is like music to my ears and my soul rejoices.  Sweeter than honey; more nourishing than the best of foods is your Spoken Word.  I can never get enough… I want to hear more. 

I want more of you… less of me.  Don’t make me go… don’t make me leave your face. I am captivated by those eyes of love.  I am undone… Transparent and oblivious to anything but you.  Your words fill me; there is no room for anything of the world, the flesh or the foolishness bound up in self. 

How can I go back. How can I be part of “that” world when I cannot live like they do.  I do not belong. I will not compromise…I cannot.  

My soul is bound up in you… in you alone.  I rest in your embrace and I drift off into bliss… knowing you are holding me in your arms.  You are here… by my side… outside myself. Don’t make me go… don’t make me leave… My life is bound up in you.   Come let us walk together; lets us delight in one another; lets just be…forever and forever.


There is no other place I’d rather be than in your arms… You holding me and I you… What sweet joy can there be than to know you are loved.

Though I am in a far away land,

I own nothing,

I enjoy what I can.

I find the beauty in the things most take for granted.

This land is not my home,

None of it belongs to me.

Though I enjoy it, use it, walk in it…

It is not my own.

I do not belong.

I am not at home.

Try as I might, it will never compare,

It will never come close…

To being with you.

Eclipsed by You

In the light of Your Glory I am undone… I become the nothingness so you can be the center of who I am… all that I am!

cropped-phone-downloads-287.jpgThe more time I spend in your presence the more I long to stay, never again to return to the past.  I find myself desiring more of you… less of me…

 Like the sun eclipsing the moon I am undone. You become the light that surpasses mine.  I may shine in the darkness like the fullness of the moon but you … you make me disappear in your sight.

I am undone… I am nothing… unseen by your glory and still I long to be in your presence. I long to allow you to shine still brighter and I… I am becoming the nothingness that no one sees.  All they see… is you.  All they praise… is you.  All they seek… is you! 

You are my solar eclipse .  It is You… between me and those upon the earth.  I will gladly take my place behind your back and allow you to shine in all your glory. I will gladly take my place and follow you.  You lead the way. I will not steal your glory. I will not be like a lunar eclipse,  blocking you from those upon the earth.  I will not stand in your way as you seek to shine your beautiful face upon those still walking in darkness.  SHINE, my Beloved, SHINE !  

I will not hide you in my heart. I will not put you in a box and hide you in the attic of my mind nor in the basement of my heart.  No, how can I… you are like a fire that consumes everything within me. I am undone…

You far eclipse me in perfect love, perfect light and perfect wisdom. How can I be so bold as to lift myself above your radiant countenance.  How can I think that my light is greater than you… the giver of light. 

Nay say I… I am only a spark, ignited by your presence.  I am undone… eclipsed by your love that swallows me up, like the day swallows up the night.  You are my eclipse, still you are humble … you are a gentleman… in your great confidence you allow me to shine in the darkness.  The fullness of the moon gives like in the darkness like the morning rising to declare your glory.  Even in the darkness when things are not as they appear.  You reveal them to those who are walking in your light.  The place I long to be forever… always looking into your face like the full moon smiling… bursting with your glory, your grace, your mercy… to remind us you are here.  You dwell among us even in the darkness… even when we can not see clearly what lies ahead .

Give me the grace to never leave you; to always be like the moon in full face, facing you yet not hindering your light, your radiance, your glory.  Give me grace and do not consume me from your presence.  Do not take your light from me  or I will be like those that have died for lack of light.  In the utter darkness there can be no life… and still you are there in the deepest darkness I found you resurrecting me to life… igniting this fallen spark, created to worship you. Created for your glory. Created to delight in you.  Created to be One with you in all you glory…

We shine together not in competition with one another, for love does not compete… love completes. 

Your glory makes me shine and it all returns to you to make you shine still more glorious… I can not understand it all.  I only know what I have seen and heard in your presence. I learn from watching you; I learn and I am changed.  I am transformed; I am undone…  Never, I beg, never make me leave for it would be impossible for me to turn away from your face.  I can not… I will not. 

 I only exist because of your light.  You are the light of my life. The joy of my life the fullness of who I am, the radiance of your glory, your face shining on me making me live and breathe and have my being all wrapped up in you. 

The things you have shown me… I am still speechless.. I write them but only between you and I… for now… when you are ready you will reveal the secrets of your heart to those who will truly seek  you… not just your salvation, not just your blessings, not just to be healed… but seeking to know who you are in Spirit, Soul and Body…

Yes… We are created in your image… If we are Spirit, Soul and Body then You are too.  Your Word, your People, all creation becomes your BODY.  We exist as a part of who you are.  Each of us having a different purpose… some more noble, some more modest, some more visible… some remain invisible.  It is those invisible ones that become the most intimate, the beating of your heart, the breath of life, the blood that flows and gives life wherever it goes.  This unseen glory never respected, never honored, never appreciated … but taken for granted, abused and neglected by the rest of the body.  Unheard of… unthinkable that the body would not protect its most vital unseen secret parts.  But sells it to its highest bidder… all for sheer pleasure. That bears with it consequences that eclipse the pleasure.

 In the darkness, the invisible grieves… suffering… unseen, unheard and unattended. The pleasures of sin eclipses the pure light, like clouds hiding the sunlight; clouds without rain; fog dense, heavy and burdensome.  Still the light shines for those who rise above the clouds… those who soar the heights of the unseen, invisible realm of the Spirit.  The place I call home… the place I long to stay …the place where I am free at last from the burden of this prison.

This body longs to worship you night and day but it is weak and grows weary.  I am forced by natural laws to be still and rest for a while…  and still in my sleep… I dream of you, I talk with you, I walk with you as though I have never left… we pick up where we left off…

In the Garden… The place I was created… The place where I belong… The place where I was birthed by you ; for the “soul” purpose to delight in you… worship you alone, to pour out my love… the very love you filled me with, returns to you 100 fold.  You have reaped what you have sown in me and I am delighted to share the harvest with you, to be called to tabernacle with you; to be in fellowship and communion with you is my hearts delight.  I am honored to be invited into your presence, to eat at your table, feasting on your wisdom, your words are like honey and they enlighten the eyes of my understanding… to see you fully face to face despite your radiance and the brightness of you countenance. 

Let me sing of your beauty, let me dance before you to pour out a love that is not spoken with words, words no human has spoken,  words that go unspoken that only the Spirit can declare them… only those who allow the Spirit to possess them completely and wholly can speak what words can not utter.  

Here I AM…  

Yes, I AM because you are … and I AM made in your image, in your likeness

Because you eclipse me by far and I am humbled; I AM undone!

No Place Like Home

I dream of home… torn between here and there… To do the Fathers will; to be separated from his presence… to be obedient, to serve, to rejoice and be glad he has chosen me to be his vessel… I am humbled.

20160322_185613.jpgThere is no place like home. 

What shall I compare it to?

My home is not of this world.  The more time I spend away from the world the less I desire to return.

I have gone home to my Fathers house.  There he greets me with more than just arms open wide and a smile on his face.   He is eager to speak with me to reveal his plans to me and share his heart freely with me.

I can hardly wait to see my beloved again…  Though he is with me always… in my heart.  There is nothing like being in his presence; free from the flesh; free from earthly things… free from the natural world.

I can not stop smiling… I love my Father and my Beloved more than words can express.

The Teacher  greets me with such excitement and joy I can not help but run to him and wrap myself around him.   I am full of expectation… though exhausted from the warfare on the earthly realm, I have a passion for all that is spirit.  I never grow weary of learning the way of the kingdom. 

I love being home…   My place is with my family… my one and only true family.  What  I lack on the earth I have double in the spirit.  No comparison… I will take the spirit over the natural any day and time.  The Teacher can not wait to get started teaching…

I must refrain for a time to see my Beloved… I long for him so.  He is my hearts desire…  I am his…

I can hardly take in all the Father has to say as we feast together on the goodness of His kingdom.

Yes, I am out of my mind…  I do not belong to the world any longer…

My visits to the natural world seem to be shorter and shorter, while my visits home seem to get longer and longer.  I perhaps one day will no longer return to the natural world… I will stay with my Father, My Beloved and My Teacher for ever…

Every day with them seems to be…  endless;  yet it feels like I have just arrived and I am off again…  One more mission… one more life to impact… one more vessel to fill.

I am more than glad to be of service to my Father’s house.  I love the Father’s business… he saves lives…  He is an interventionist to say the least!   The more I learn from him the more he asks of me…

I must admit some battles come with scars and wounds… from the natural world.

This so called natural family… the place where I was placed… they are not kind… They can not see what the Father has done… They only see a product of man’s so called “love”…  They can not let go of who I was… a product of  man’s worldly wisdom, teaching, environment and works.

Though that world should slay  me… I am resurrected a new creation… they know me not;  I am the Father’s creation.

I am his work in progress… He is not only my Father but my Mentor… I watch every thing he does.  I pick his “brain” to know how he thinks… He always smiles… glad to see me so eager to understand his ways. 

I am most humble to know; to see… How much my Father loves me…  He has arranged a husband for me… though not looking… not seeking one.   It never even entered my mind.  He has been my Knight in Shining Armor…  His Son… My Beloved… He gave his life for me… He saved me … from them… who hated me with out cause.

Though I knew it not; he showed me a great kindness… He allowed me to die… so he could resurrect me… so I could truly live.  Had anyone told me; I would not believe it… had I not seen it for myself…

It is when I come home… I am so excited I forget how exhausted I am…I am reminded time and time again… to rest… It is only when the adrenaline ebbs away the full impact of my exhaustion grabs hold of me with a vengeance.

Yes… the crash and burn takes hold of me even in his presence.   It is the flesh that still limits me… until I finally put off this natural body and forever dwell in that glorious body…  limitless… and free.  Always… this body getting in the way of my time with my Father, my Beloved and my Teacher.

I am forced to return… I can not say I relish it… It takes days sometimes weeks to recover from my return.   The Teacher encourages me even while I sleep… I hear him speaking and  I reply… waking suddenly to find myself “physically” alone.

Sometimes I forget… This world does not operate like the kingdom… I can not live like the world… It is not proper;  it is not the Fathers will or way!  I cry out… I do not know how to live here anymore… It is not right… it is not the normal I know… what I have learned from the Father and the Teacher. 

My Beloved has written me love letters… I read them over and over again.  I keep them before me… in my heart, in the forefront of my mind, upon my lips night and day.  I rehearse his Words with my mouth… I meditate on his Words like a song in my heart.  I sing of him and dance to the music he has put in my heart… his love for me and I for him…

The world tells me I am a dreamer… I have a vivid imagination…If it be so… them I shall be a dreamer and dwell in my imaginations… they are life and peace as I have never known before… It is perfect love undefiled.

Though the natural world can not see what I see… they can not go where I go…  They can not comprehend what they can not understand… I can only be a light in their darkness.

I am not proud… but humbled that I should be called by my Father to be of such a service to him… not just a heap of ash, consumed by the fire of purification… but rather gold purified by the refiner himself.

How I long for all to know the Father, my Beloved and my Teacher as I do… Some things are so magnificent I have no words to utter.  I can only write them in a book. If he should grant me the honor to speak them…  I pray for grace and mercy, that it would be the Spirit and not my flesh trying to speak the truth I have learned and now treasure with my whole heart.

I linger more and more in his presence… forgetting the things of this world… They have no power over me… to lure me away… to keep me from the Father, my Beloved or my Teacher.

Though they try… they are fruitless… condemning me does not move me… slander has no power… their lies void to impress me to even look their way… I go on merrily… singing in the rain; dancing in the midst of the storm, always fixed on the face of my Beloved, and my Father… remembering all the Teacher has taught me and putting it to work for my good!

I am blessed!

I am exceedingly abundantly Blessed… in my spirit, soul and body!   What can any man do to me… but to slay this flesh and set me free… free at last, free at last, free at last.  I invite putting away this flesh, to slay it; what ever may come… until then I will go on praising my Father, loving the way of the kingdom and learning still more; ever more, the never ending wisdom of who he is…

He is my Father!  






Silence of Night

When the silence is too much to bear.. the soul cries out what the Spirit longs to speak. Who can contain it, who can hold it back. Living waters bursting forth like the bursting of a dam, flooding the valley below, bringing life wherever it flows…

wp-image-1006088502jpg.jpegIn the darkness I can see nothing, but I feel its presence all around me.

I am blind to the enemies lurking… waiting to take me by surprise. 

I can not walk by what I can not see … but I walk by what I know is truth.

I am never alone for my God is with me.  All my thoughts are fixed on my Savior.

He is my light in the darkness.  He leads me in the way that is right and just.

I , though blind,  close my physical eyes so I can see with my spiritual eyes and follow my Shepherd out of the valley .

I open my spiritual ears and pay heed to his still small voice  that is only a whisper that moves my spirit to act.

I give my heart into his hands that I should not fear what the enemy could do to me, For my trust is in him who is my protector , my defense,  my rear guard.

I trust him completely to lead me in the darkness… the darkness of the unknown. 

I do not know what lies ahead but he knows my end.  He has marked out the path, my journey from beginning to its end,  my last day, my last breath is in his hands.

When the unknown brings me to a place of nothingness… I bow myself before my Lord and surrender to his perfect will.

I will prove my faith by trusting him with my life, he knows best, he has a good plan marked out for me.  He desires to do me good all the days of my life.

When I feel alone, exhausted and empty, I fall down before his throne of mercy and cry out from my heart the love I have for my Creator.

He alone can raise me up. He alone can give me strength. He alone can revive me.

But in his Sovereignty … He can choose to leave me weak and helpless to show me his Salvation, his Glory, His great Love. 

In my weakness I find a love that surpasses all other loves.

 In brokenness I find his love is made perfect.

In my emptiness … I find his fullness overwhelms me like a flood.

He is perfect in his love, in his will,  in his works,  in all creation, in all mankind there is no one who can accuse him of unrighteousness. 

He alone is just, He alone is judge.  He sees in the darkness the heart of every soul.  What is hidden in darkness is revealed in his divine purpose.

I am weak, emptied out like water from a broken jar.  I am at his mercy to sustain me or to snuff out my life in the land of the living. 

I am powerless to uphold my own head.  My soul longing just to be held in his arms.

I am nothing without him. I have no purpose if I can not speak of his truth. I have no purpose if I can not share his goodness with another soul.

I am only flesh with out life, with out fire, without passion if I can not speak of his great love.

I am a borrowed vessel, waiting to be used, a voice waiting to be heard.  I am his voice, his vessel… 

Silent I wait, though it be deafening…

I do not know how long I can keep it to myself…

His Word burns in me like a volcano on the verge of erupting…

The pressure builds,  but not to destroy… to enlighten the darkness with truth.

How his presence engulfs me, even in the darkness, in the emptiness, in the nothingness…

My heart aches, my tears fall,  my words are in-utterable… but he knows every one not spoken. 

I sleep from exhaustion… but my spirit and my soul remain vigilant … they commune Spirit to spirit , Soul to soul with my Creator, my Savior, my Life-giver.

I have no desire to return…  I like it here where I can be free from the prison of the flesh. 

I delight myself in worship and praise,  giving thanks to he who revealed himself to me. 

His secrets made known,  humble me to fall down in awe …in reverence.

Some things are unspeakable… to difficult to express in human words… but those things revealed that can be uttered I can not keep to myself…

Who will believe my testimony, who will believe my words… For they are not mine but His… He put them in my mouth, wrote them on my heart, in the forefront of my mind.

Who could forget?  Who would want to forget?  They are Life, they are Breath, they are Truth…

Who can deny Truth?  Who would dare to deny the Truth?

I surrender all… Your will be done, Amen!


Warriors Heart

The unseen battles each warrior faces bears it scars and wounds… but the Joy of the Lord is the strength by which every warrior attains the Victory over the enemy! More than a conqueror … A Victor in Truth and Life…

20160224_212712.jpgDays without end, a warrior keeps fighting the good fight for truth and life.  In the midst of every battle whether seen or unseen the warrior needs a place to rest.  But is there one who will stand in the gap for the weary warrior?  Spiritual battles never cease, the enemy is always on the move.  Though hiding out;  sometimes waiting for an opportune moment to attack they keep watch on the warriors for the leak links.  Divide and conquer is the weapon that is most effective.

Days pass into night. No light in the darkness as the enemy sneaks about unaware.  A warrior alone has no rest for his weary soul.  The battle rages on and there is no one to come bring relief.  Alone he trusts in God.  Praying for divine sight to see the unseen enemy, divine ears to hear the enemy treading about in the darkness. The eyes of the Lord of Host are everywhere. He goes before the warrior to scatter the enemy so the warrior may have rest for a little while.  Warriors never sleep like those of the world.  They are ever attentive whether asleep or awake.  Aware that the Spirit never slumbers or sleeps.  The Lord of Host is the Covering, the Protection, the Armor that defends every warrior far beyond any human weapon. 

This warrior has fought 40 days of unending spiritual warfare… warfare no one sees with the natural eye.  Warfare that manifest only in the spirit realm… did God really say?  

The warfare of the written Word vs. the Spoken Word. 

The warfare of good vs. God. 

The warfare of discernment of God’s Will vs. the Written Legal Word! 

The war between the true sheep and the false sheep. 

The warfare within the camp… the deceiver, the spy, the wolf in sheep’s clothing… Who do we believe?  Who do we trust within the “family”… spiritual family can be as dangerous as an enemy.  Keep your friends close and your enemies closer seems to be what causes the most chaos; the division from within destroys a nation, an army, a house, a soul.  Trust no one… no one is perfect… all fall into temptation.  Trust only the Spirit of the Living God who will never deceive, never lie, never lead astray.  He will guide and protect from every enemy … those who appear as false light will be revealed as  such. 

There is no time for pleasure, no time to be idle, no time for eating, drinking and being merry for the warrior.  Guarding the wall, the gates and doors so no enemy finds a crack or crevice to sneak in like a “thief in the night” to kill, steal and destroy without a sound.  The Death Angel passing over the camp unguarded leaves no one safe.  No life is spared from the sword of the enemy.  Caught off guard ones life is snatched away from the land of the living. 

The warrior can only fight as long as the Joy of the lord is the strength that empowers the soul to go on from battle to battle.  It is the praise, thanks and worship that builds up, encourages and surrounds the warrior with a wall of Heavenly Host.  Making music in his heart he carries a greater weapon of destruction than the  enemy has counted on.   Though a 1000 fall at the warriors side and 10,000 at the right hand of every spiritual warrior… no weapon formed against the righteous can prosper.  The enemies fall and do not rise again.  The warrior is untouched by the enemy’s weapons of warfare.  The Shield the warrior bares is faith in God Almighty.  The Sword in the right hand is the Word of the God …it is mighty and powerful sharper than any 2 edged sword.  The warrior never lays down the sword or shield.  It is the only defense  against the weapons of the enemy.  The armor of God is knowing the truth… God is our Savior and Deliverer… it guards every warriors mind… what  every warrior sees, hears or what is spoken… everything protected by the knowledge God is greater than any enemy.. any weapon… any lie the enemy speaks.  The heart is protected by righteousness… trust in God!   Every warrior must believe victory is already won… more than a conqueror… Victors in Christ;  the Living Word… it is alive and active!  Defeat is not an option… failure is not in the vocabulary of a warrior.  Waging war brings about peace.  Peace-makers guard the gates, doors and walls from the enemy’s of Truth and Life. 

Every warrior must make time to rest. Time to take off the armor enter into the rest of God… Sabbath rest;  to be refreshed in the presence of the Lord of Host.  There must be warriors who will give rest to those who have fought the good fight of faith.  A shift in the troops, yet not a shift in command.  There is one who is Head of all. He leads the warriors into the battle.  They are called to stand on holy ground.  Not to fight with the flesh but only stand on the Word.  When necessary declare the Spoken Word with authority and the enemy has to flee…  all authority comes from the Head.  All must surrender in obedience or retreat!  It is finished… the enemy defeated in retreat or surrender held captive for judgment!   The warrior shouts the victory cry!   The celebrations begin and the warrior takes a rest until the next battle ensues. 

Sweet and bitter is the Victory…  the gathering of the fallen warriors, the healing of the wounded in battle… the purging, cleansing of wounds, sickness and dis-ease all come at a cost!   Many never recover yet a remnant remains… they continue to keep guard. The watchmen at the walls and gates, they have their times of laboring and times of rest. 

We must all be warriors in times of warfare… not desert the camp nor the company… to abandon our fellow warriors would be to side with the enemy of Truth and Life.  Treason in the camp makes one an enemy of our God… the fearful will not be tolerated as it endangers the whole company.  Fear brings spiritual death… death that is eternal;  death that brings torment for all eternity.  It is perfect love that cast out fear… make love complete and there will be no room for fear.  Warriors must be fearless.  No one who has fear will be worthy of the kingdom of God.  Understanding the truth destroys all fear.  If you trust God’s perfect love to protect, provide, defend and Save then there can be no place for fear… warriors are free knowing the battle is the Lords.  He has already brought the victory! He is Lord, there is none greater than He.  There is no one… not one…




I guard my heart with diligence only to reveal it to my Beloved in the Garden of Delight… it is there he comes to meet with me… his love is like wine making joyful my heart … the music flows from its source and love blossoms like a fragrance that overwhelms the soul…

wp-image-477314914jpg.jpegI love being in the garden with my Beloved. I linger as long as he will allow.  As we walk and talk about everything and anything I can not help but smile.  I just love when he tells me his secrets. I love when he reveals his heart to me.  I love getting to know him as he is… who he is… all he is.

Sometimes I find myself so overwhelmed… I close my eyes, raise my hands, let go of myself and begin to dance to the joy that fills my soul.  I let the presence of my Beloved consume me and all my flesh disappears. I give all of myself to him whom my heart desires.  I can feel him surround me with his breathtaking love. Who can compare to him?  He is the joy of my life. He is the reason I smile.  He is the reason I love.   He is the very breath of my being and without him… I am nothing.

He lets me find him in the secret place… in the garden… He smiles, taking me in his arms and holding me tight to let me know he missed me too.  He lets me know he is overjoyed that I seek him when he calls me to himself.  He is pleased when I seek him… just to be with him, not asking for anything but to just be in his presence and love on him with my whole heart.

He is patient and kind, always awaiting for me to answer his call… Sometimes testing me to see if I will come… anytime, any place, day or night… How can I resist the sound of his voice.  At times it is like the ocean calling to me.  Still other times he is the breeze in the air that carries with it the sweetness of his scent. Yet there are moments in the stillness of the nothingness… He makes himself known and I shudder within myself and my whole body trembles uncontrollably.

Who am I that he desires to see me, speak with me, walk and talk with me?   Who am I that he tells me the secrets of his heart and the joys and delights he holds within himself?  What does he see in me that I can not see … why he should call me by name? Why should he call me to himself to dance with me and make beautiful music together.

I find myself writing love letters to my beloved when we are not together… and still… I feel he sees every word written, every tear shed  and the moments I spend pondering… longing to be with him …  forever.

I sit by the waters edge and remember the days we sat there talking.  I am captivated by every word he speaks.  I take walks in the meadow and dream about dancing for him and longing for him to meet me and embrace me once again.  I linger in the sunlight as it reminds me of his presence and his glory… making me feel whole, complete, healed, overjoyed and free!

I hear the music in my soul.  I can smile… because I know only he and I can hear it!   Though there are moments others around me feel it or see the light radiating from his presence all around me. I alone get to embrace it with him.  We have our own language; our own music; our own way of communicating to one another that only we understand.

I sometimes fall asleep in his arms as we sit and be … just resting in him as I gaze upon creation in awe and wonder of it all.

I find myself speaking to him in my sleep and I smile because I know he is here with me.  When I wake I find myself in my bed… lying there I look around as though my Beloved should be there by my side.   I rise each morning eager to speak with my Beloved.  I thank him for yet one more day to know him and to love him.  I praise him for his goodness to me and pour out my heart in gratitude for his great love.  I tell him how much he means to me and I never want to know a day without him.

When I am forced to go out there… in the world of chaos and darkness… I do not fear.  I do not worry. I can not understand those who do not acknowledge my Beloved.  Why is it they believe he is not here?  How is it they can not see him as I do?  I can not make them see what they do not desire to see.  I can not make them understand what they do not wish to know.  I can not make them love my Beloved as I do… and that breaks my heart.   I long to return to “our place” where we meet and fellowship together whether in spirit, soul or body.  I know he longs to be loved and heard.  He longs to be in relationship… not ignored, not used… not played by the hypocrite.

How can I tell them… show them… explain to them all the wonderful things you are to me… and you desire to be to them.  I sit and look into the night sky and I can only wonder when you will come for me?   When will you miss me more than you can stand and come to take me to yourself?   What can I do to make you desire to come take me to be with you forever?

I still say YES to you… I will stay… as long as you need me… to use this vessel to walk and talk here in this place.  I have found none who are hungry for truth.  I find none who long for you more than life and breath.  I find none willing to crucify their fleshly life to draw nearer to you.  I find none who are willing to circumcise the flesh that separates… from you having complete access and take up residence within them spirit, soul and body…

I guess what I am saying is… I find no one who wants to marry you.  Is there not one left?  Is there one who desires to walk away from everything they know, perceive, understand, live and take pleasure in… to walk with you and get to know who you really are?  Who is willing to walk away from life…  die to self and go into the unknown… empty handed and allow you to strip away everything man calls normal… to be resurrected a spirit being… to see what you see, hear what the Spirit is saying, speak what you say, do as you do, walk by your side at the cost of being rejected by everyone… even ones own family… spiritual and natural. Being rejected and called a freak, apostate, legalist, lover of the law, deceived and a liar.

I bear it with great joy.  For I know my Beloved is the LAW-MAKER to keep me safe, I know my Beloved is a legalist for you do JUSTICE against the wicked, I know my Beloved is THE TRUTH and THE LIFE… you can not lie… not even to me.. your beloved.   As far as apostate… I agree… I will not join in fellowship with the lawless ones who choose not to be under your authority… like a rebellious wife.  I say yes… I am a freak… for I do not join in with the world and cling to the things of this world.  I do not live to work, or to please others. I do not live to be entertained by the sinfulness of what the world calls normal.  I will not even partake in the things the so called body  of believers calls righteousness.  For I find it … a form of godliness but they deny the truth…

My Beloved is the Word, the Word is Spirit… and the Word is alive and active… sharper than any 2 edged sword to divide the truth and the lie; the light and the dark; the good and the evil; flesh and spirit; life and death.

I will gladly empty out myself so you can possess more of me… all of me.  Take up residence within me and do your will.  Whatever you desire to do here… you can use me.  I only ask that it be you and not I doing it.  I am only a vessel.  I die daily so you can possess all of me.  If the day comes there is nothing else you desire to do in me or through me… then do not leave me here empty… take me home with you when you go.  There is no purpose here for me without you. The moment you leave I will die for you are the life and breath in me.

I am waiting… and while I wait… use me.   While I wait… talk to me, walk with me… let me walk with you and talk with you.  Never be silent.  Remember your words to me,  never be silent, never hide your heart, never fear.  So keep your word to me as you taught me your ways.

I will wait.  I will not be silent… how can I be?  You are wonderful and your love for me compels me to praise you and pour out my heart to you.  I can not keep silent or I would burst like a dam… like old wines skins filled with new wine.  Your Word is like fresh wine.. it expands and grows within me and I burst from within my spirit and soul and everything around me gets saturated by it.

I am my Beloved’s and he is mine… lets us go into the garden and dance among the flowers… the Word of Truth… like scented flowers sending out healing from its fragrance  and like sweet wine that makes joyful the heart… healing everything it touches.  The Word… like sunshine bursting forth over the horizon scattering the darkness. Like the music that only a joyful heart can make… that only you can hear… I can feel you smile.  It makes me smile to see your face glowing like the sun at noonday!

There is peace… peace and rest with you.  You are my Sabbath.. I will rest in you… everyday of my life.  I will delight myself in you… The Word.. The Truth .

I am waiting… for you to take my hand and walk out of this world and into yours…  never to be separated again.   You are with me always… I know… but its just different when this flesh will no longer be separating us, time will be no more…


I am waiting…